Attention Gentlemen of OkCupid...

Dear Gentlemen of OkCupid:

After a few months of occasionally perusing my messages, my quickmatches, and your profiles, I have some advice to share. Actually, no let’s call it a lesson because this teacher would like to school you.

1. First, let’s start with your profile name. I get it; there’s a lot of pressure to pick something different, to stand out, to reflect our personalities, to use our profile names as a conversation piece. But just keep it simple. Though generic, a profile name that hints to your real name, location, hobby, or birthdate is acceptable. In fact, a profile name that tells me your real name is a plus. Because you all seem to forget to sign your name when you send a private message. But if you are a grown man looking to meet a grown woman, for any varying degree of relationship, and your profile name is ‘Hunglikeahorse13’ or any variation there of, you have just killed my hard on. It’s not funny; it’s creepy. If you’re truly hung like a horse, you won’t need to put it out there. You’ll know that such a monster can be just as much of a curse as a blessing. So please, keep the profile name PG. Otherwise, you’re going to come off like a 15 year old boy who goes to all male Catholic school. 

2. Selfies are for 13 year old girls, not 30something year old men. I get that the male gender may not have as many pictures of themselves readily available to post online since bros tend not to stop for a group picture or capture a moment with their brotha’ from anotha’ mother as often as their female counterparts. But that still does not give you an excuse to blow up your profile with selfies. Aren’t there any pictures of you from your friend’s wedding or your family’s Thanksgiving dinner or something? If not, have someone take a picture of you. Don’t do it yourself, especially in the mirror.

3. In addition to avoiding the facial selfies, would you please also stop selfying your abs and pelvis. Don’t get me wrong, your sex V is hot, and I love myself a six-pack. But leave a little to the imagination. I can just as easily tell that you are muscular and have a good body with your shirt on. PS: for those of you who only post pictures of your body, but never your face, stop trying to get girls and instead work on your self esteem. Even though you come across as an arrogant ass on your profile, and I am going to assume you are a jerk who only wants sex, you are still special and worthwhile. Don’t sell yourself short. You are more than your perfect physique. 

4. While we’re on the subject of pictures, please stop using a dating website as your online travel journal. Yes, it’s interesting that you climbed Machu Pichu and that you’ve been skydiving, but I can get a sense of your passions and your experiences from your written profile…and by getting to know more about you in person. Plus, I am on to you. I can see by your profile that you live in a cosmopolitan area and work in an office all day. You’re a corporate grunt. Just own it.  Don’t let your twice a year trips dupe the ladies into believing that you’re one of those off-the-beaten path, rebel adventurers. Because I don’t care. Let’s be honest, I am looking at your pictures in order to assess my attraction to you. The scuba mask covering up your face and that beautiful view of you skiing from 50 yards back are doing nothing to help your cause. 

4. As an English teacher, I get that I may be more of a stickler for proper grammar and such. And yes, I will probably notice obscure grammar errors that only a writing teacher would discern.  I won’t judge you for the small failures, like your occasional comma error or a subject-verb agreement issue. But I will judge you based upon the basics…you know, things like your spelling and your ability to write in coherent, complete, sentences. Instead of spending so much time flaunting your humor or career or body, could you maybe flaunt your intelligence by proofreading? Smart men are sexy. Plus, it shows that you care enough to come across a polished human being.

5. If, on my profile, I check off the boxes that proclaim I am looking for friendships or relationships, and you have listed casual sex, then please don’t contact me. Don’t take offense. I appreciate your honesty, and I understand your need for a little somethin’ somethin’. No judgment. But that’s not my goal, nor my use for this site.  If you took the time to read my profile, instead of just scanning my pictures, you would know that already. And let me give you a tip. Even if a woman is looking for casual sex, she probably won’t be using OkCupid. Because we ladies can simply go out to a bar and get it. We don’t have to waste time trolling the internet and messaging men. We don’t need the OkCupid middle man. 

6. Finally, adhere to the most basic and most important OkCupid commandment. Thou shall not not message me ‘What’s up.’ I totally get that messaging a strange woman on the internet is awkward at best. But I don’t get that you somehow think this is a throwback to the AIM days where I’ll immediately respond back, and we’ll message back and forth all night in an effort to avoid our math homework. So be a grown up and introduce yourself. Reference something in my profile to show you took the time to read it, and maybe even mention why you wanted to get in touch with me. Do we have something in common? Are you attracted to my sarcasm and wit? Or even just ask a question that requires more than a one word answer. That’s just Basic Conversation 101.