And We're Rolling, Rolling on a Third Wheel

When you’re single in your 30s, there is one role you will certainly have to embrace, and embrace often—the third wheel.

You will have those nights where your girlfriend’s significant other plays ‘big brother’ to you. He’ll buy you drinks, alternate dancing with you and his own woman, and make sure you get home safely. Both you and your friend will adore this man for caring about you so much. 

You will have those nights where you are invited to your friends’ houses. You’ll be good buds with your bestie’s boyfriend or husband, and you’ll have a great time. They’ll make you a real meal, pour you a glass of wine…or many glasses, beg for stories of the exciting single life, and make suggestions about the next guy you should pursue. Sometimes these events take place over brunch. Usually small children are involved. 

You will have those events where you’ll be in a large group of your coupled friends. There will be a perfect symmetry—4 wives, 4 husbands. But then there’s you. No one will care that you’re throwing off this symmetry. They love you and are happy to have you there. But your added chair will obstruct the waitress. And your lack of a date will make your friends give you a sad look, which reads, “We just wish you had a nice guy to be by your side.” And as they discuss plans for remodeling the kitchen or that couple’s cruise, your different stages of life will make you feel like the stranger at the table. 

Finally, you’ll have those afternoons where you sit in the corner of your friend’s living room pretending to smile at all of the small children wandering about. It’s their kid’s birthday or baptism or whatever, and not only are you down a significant other, but now you’re also void of a baby. You’ll overcompensate by exaggerating, “Awww, so cute” with a weird smile, fighting off your own discomfort and awkward presence. You’ll overhear the mommies discussing teething remedies and naughty corners and breastfeeding. With no interest in or ability to engage in such conversations, you’ll continue your attempt to look child-friendly, engaged, and thrilled to be spending your Saturday afternoon here. Deep down, you’ll truly feel honored that you were the only single invited, you’ll be happy to be a part of the kid’s life and will wish to be the best ‘aunt’ possible. And yet, you’ll feel painfully out of place. 

Let’s face it, being the third wheel can be difficult at best. You’ll constantly debate your presence when extended such invitations. You’ll want to to spend time with your friend because her time has become precious. You’ll want to get to know her man because it’s important to her, and thereby you, and you’ll want him to feel like your family too. You’ll want to show up because it’s nice that they still make the effort to include you, and you need to prove to them that the singles and the couples don’t really exist on different planets…or social scenes. And you’ll want to be a part of the kids’ lives, whether you like children or not, because they are a  part of your friend…and now you. Most importantly, though, you’ll want to show up because these people have your past, and you want them to be a part of your present and future too.

But you’ll also fight not to RSVP no. You’ll want to avoid those desperate attempts to set you up with the husband’s stray single co-worker or newly divorced friend from high school. You’ll want to forego the awkward moment when all of the couples get up to slow dance, and you sit alone, fidgeting with your phone until you can slink off to the nearest restroom or bar line. You’ll want to dodge all the grown-up conversations that you can’t contribute to, the conversations that make you feel like you’re 15 again, listening to your parents and their friends talk. You’ll wish for the time when you could just hang out with the girls, when it didn’t have to be a special occasion, when you didn’t feel like you needed a plus one just to fit in with your friends. And finally, you’ll want to avoid the looks, the looks that, despite everyone’s best efforts, reveal the disconnect. 

You see, you can’t fully understand their lives and their priorities, and they can’t understand yours. Your friends will wonder why you don’t try harder or go after different types of men. They’ll simultaneously envy your life, with your ability to make plans without consulting someone else first or spending your Sunday with a yoga class, a latte, and a Real Housewives marathon. But they’ll also pity you. They’ll worry about you being alone and feeling alone…and they’ll keep wishing for you to find someone. In the meantime, they’ll keep you close and try their best to make you still feel a part of it all. You’ll think it’s sweet and endearing but sometimes frustrating, and you’ll try your best to stay a part of it all too. 

….And so love and friendship and loyalty keep the third wheel rolling.